It's been awhile

It's been awhile since I sat down and properly typed out a blogpost. HAHA, my last post was more than a year ago. I have grown a lot since then. A lot of things have changed, HAHA, well one thing that changed big time is the fact I'm single now.

It's a bit hard being single I realised, especially since I do not know how to do this whole dating thing at all. Geez man, HOW?! SOMEONE, PLEASE TEACH ME. It's, in the words of Linda Belcher, the pre-love phase, whereby people have yet to fall in love but they are almost there.. (yes I just quoted Bob's Burgers HAHAHAH) BUT SERIOUSLY

HOW DOES DATING WORK!?

I'm like this awkward ball of anxiety and low self esteem when it comes to meeting new people. Ugh and the last guy I was REALLY INTO turns out to have a girlfriend. Why. Oh lordy why. It's okay, Sammy lives and learns, I am traumatised, but I will deal. ^^

I miss writing and sharing my thoughts. I'm gonna start this blog up again, sharing moments of my epic failures and such, really appreciate you if you're actually reading this post, please let me know if you read it so I can buy you something nice, like chocolate, sweets or a packet of chips. 

But anywho, stay tuned to more blogposts :) probably gonna share some experiences I had with dating. HAHAHHA, I'M A FAIL. GAWD. 

With love,

xoxo Sammy Valentina ♥

Coming back to the heart of worship

I've been feeling really numb lately. Like nothing else matters. It's not like anyone cares or anything but I've truly been feeling alone, spiritually. This whole holiday, I don't think I've accomplished anything worth being proud of, I just feel so utterly, annoyingly numb. I'm honestly disappointed in the person I've become. I used to say "I'm gonna fight on" and "I will never leave". But look where I am now. I just feel so helpless. It scares me. How much I really don't care anymore. How I just don't bother about how anyone is doing, whether people miss me, whether I'm becoming a bad example to people who look up to me. It scares me. Everyday I tell myself that I'm fine, it's just a phase, I'll stop this madness and return to Him soon. But lately, it seem that I have no intention of going back anymore. My prayers are so half-hearted it's as though I pray just for the sake of praying, because it's the right thing to do. 

I keep wondering what has caused me to be like this, is it really anyone's fault at all? I feel it's all some excuse for me to feel better that I'm such a horrid catholic. I just get mad so easily at Him. I just, don't know how to deal all the nonsense being thrown at me all the time. I get mad at Him when I feel abandoned by people who I trusted and love. I just don't understand why He would let people who I have tried so hard to be there for just take me for granted. I cannot stand the fact He's letting so many things in my life change. I don't do well with change. I just, don't. I don't like change. People always say change is good, but it's never easy. 

It's not that I don't believe in Him anymore, or I'm thinking about fully giving up my faith or anything, I'm just mad. And upset. AND JUST SO FRUSTRATED BECAUSE I DON'T FEEL AS CLOSE TO HIM AS I WAS BEFORE. But what makes this whole damn thing even worse is how I realized, it's my fault I drifted away. Whenever I go for mass, I make the promise to go back to Him. To be close to Him again. I always tell Him that I'm trying to be close to Him, when in truth I've given up. It makes me feel even worse to have realised that all I've been doing is the opposite of love. I can't even begin to describe the disappointment. 

All along, all I wanted to do was to love others. 

But it's so hard knowing that the people I love, have moved on without me. The community I thought I had turned out to not even qualify to be called a community, and it hurt. It really did. I know this may seem like bullshit to some of you, and may even be seen as an excuse for my just not being around. But it's just how I really feel. I just feel so... Alone. I can't even describe it in words. It's as though suddenly I don't belong anymore. It made it a lot worse when the one person, who I thought would understand my feelings and struggles, made it seem like I was a person who was just looking for an excuse to leave. I wasn't. But I took the easy way out. I decided to leave, I was tired of trying. Why bother?  

I don't even know why I'm posting all this shit all of a sudden. But last night, something truly amazing happened. I felt Him again. While I was just in the midst of saying one of my "prayers", I felt His presence again. And I realised how much I miss Him. How I miss telling Him everything and spreading love to others so they could see Him through me. I miss it. I started to feel bad. About how I've been caught up with my own jealousy, pettiness and anger, that I refused to see I was hurting people who love me and trusted me. 

If you're reading this and I've hurt you in any way by not being around or by just suddenly being gone. I really am sorry. I've been so caught up with my own hurt that I've forgotten to put others first. I really am sorry. I'm just so afraid of being judged and rejected should I ever return, that I thought it would be easier to not care. I'm so sorry. Last night, I made a promise to my Father, that I would try to come back, try to be the person I used to be. I really will try. I just hope it's not too late to come back to the heart of worship, I really am sorry. Please understand and help me.

With love,
xoxo Sammy Valentina ♥

Too tired to function

Hey guys! I'm so sorry I haven't been blogging more, but school has just ben insanely busy, like INSANELY BUSY. I've just been so tired trying to simply complete my work, sigh. Ah wells, HERE I AM. :) Blogging during lecture because yeah, I'm too tired to absorb anything. Why are there still lectures anyways? :( WE ALREADY HAVE OUR FINAL ASSIGNMENTS TO COMPLETE. MEHHHH. Hope you guys have been well! :) Hehe. 

I'm so tired, BUT I'M SO EXCITED. YAY. I can't wait to turn 18. If y'all didn't know my birthday is in March! :) I know I know it's still really far away BUT HEYYYY I'M TURNING 18. I GET TO GO WILD. I can see myself as a wild wild crazy girl. I know I'm a catholic but I'll behave.. :) to the most of my capabilities. MEHEHEHEHE. OMG I'M SO EXCITEDDDD. YIPEE. CAN'T WAIT TO GO PARTAYEEEEEE. 18 18 18. HAHAH. Okay I'm starting to wake up now, talking to myself is very interesting. Talking to me is very interesting in general, TALK TO ME. HAHAH. Okay my issues are starting. Lecture is ending! I'll blog when I have time! I love you all! :)

xoxo Sammy Valentina ♥

RAGE POST ON PRESIDENTIAL ELECTIONS USA.

Hello people hope you guys have been well! :) as you all should know by now THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTIONS FOR USA IS CURRENTLY GOING ON :D So, like promised in the title, this is a rage post which is not suppose to pose as any form of insult to any of the candidates at all :), disclaimer done, so let's move on to the rage bitch part.

So this morning I tweeted something saying that we should vote for obama, it was all for fun and because I genuinely respect Obama as a person and I do think he has been a really good president for the US, plus I really LOVE the fact he is PROCHOICE. But apparently, this particular person had something against the very fact I just support Obama. He started saying things like, "HE'S PROCHOICE WHAT GOOD IS THAT?!" and things like "he says gay marriage is ok! what can the future be with him?" I didn't really understand his super strong reaction and asked him why he makes prochoice sound like a bad thing, and he replied "means you have to go against humanity's decisions. And feel free to sin against God!'. So by this point I could tell he was really super bloody against Obama just because Obama is freaking prochoice, so I decided to reply him that Obama was simply respecting people's decisions to be who they want to be, God gave a free will, so nobody really has the right to take that away. He went, "respecting is one decision, but knowing the truth is another altogether. Obama doesn't know the truth at all", at this point I really didn't want to bother arguing with him because well, I respect his decision and his views but I intend to keep mine. Oh btw, I have NO IDEA what he meant by the "truth" if you guys are having the question in your head as well. I really have NO IDEA. I just take it that he meant the truth as in the truth is to not allow gay marriages and things like that.

So I thought that episode was over, because I could really feel the tension, like I was replying him for fun but his replies were super pushy and super set in his ways. I really do love this guy as a friend, but yeah, apparently after the next episode I take it that I'm not good enough to be his friend.

So in the evening after I got home, I received a reply from THIS SAME GUY regarding another tweet of mine which I tweeted when I was in class after watching Michelle Obama's speech saying I really wanted Obama to win, and he started saying "BOO BOO! Sorry don't get personal :) hahaha" so I took it that he was joking and just replied him in a joking matter saying "IT'S PERSONAL. YOU IDIOT. HAHAH. I KIDDD :)". He suddenly replied me "I know you are a sweet catholic girl" and I'm once again in the what-the-hell-why-suddenly-pull-in-the-religion-stunt-again mode, but I still thought he was joking and I was slightly annoyed he kept trying to pull in catholicism so I just tweeted him to "don't make all catholics seem so blinded by faith eh! Pro choice! It's like PRO FREE WILL!".

He on the other hand decided to drive the conversation into a whole new other direction and went "if you say so why not we use condoms & have sex before marriage", at this point, my patience was running bloody low, so I simply replied "so if Obama isn't president, Romney can stop people from using condoms and premarital sex?" and he replies me "at least he(romney) doesn't promote it" and claimed that Christian Catholic churches forced to practice against our belief because of Obama. WHATTHEHELLLL. I was still trying to keep the conversation fun and non-personal so I just said "Obama doesn't promote, hahah, accepting doesn't equal promoting" and I decided to drop in the "love thy neighbor" quote in there as well. Just love everyone equally, we're not God to judge, if God can love gays equally, what gives us the right to discriminate them and not give them equal jobs?! 

He then replies, the most fucking offensive tweet I've ever gotten EVER, "well I guess you got blinded by secularism congrats the devil has won u:) cheers all the best". That was fucking low. Fucking brainless. Fucking uncalled for. I was so pissed off, I still am. If y'all didn't know I get really pissed when people comment on others' faith lives. Not just mine. No one has the bloody right to deem anyone "less holy" than he or she is. Honestly, WHO HE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?! I think it's utter bullshit that JUST BECAUSE I SUPPORT OBAMA, I'M AN ATHEIST. 

The worst part is he continues to make a huge deal about it saying I MADE A MISTAKE. Whatthehell. Really. No idea what his problem is. If he was gonna talk religious, he's the one with tattoos and shit 

"Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves. I am the Lord." - Leviticus 19:28

please by all means don't be a pretentious idiot, self righteous fool.

I really get super annoyed when people blame Obama for everything, the recession, gay's existence, premarital sex etc, please don't be so bloody deluded that THESE THINGS WOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED IF OBAMA WASN'T PRESIDENT. I think it's never okay to bring in someone's religion, ever. Okay. It's not okay to say it's not personal and then pull in my religion.

The best part is that he's making it seem like I asked for his opinion when I really wasn't, he replied my tweets and he was super stuck up and set in his ways. Annoying asshole. He based his whole ANTI OBAMA thing on this ONE SMALL AREA ALONE. NARROW MINDED DOUCHE.

Just to be cleared I'm not promoting homosexuality at all, I'm just like Obama, I'm prochoice, it's not my life, I have no right to dislike them or disrespect them because they're humans just like ME. They are created by God and they are LOVED by Him as well. No one has the right to look down on them or take away their freedom or rights.

I STILL WANT OBAMA TO WIN. BITE ME.

Peace out people! :)
xoxo
Sammy Valentina ♥

Sorta first official day of school :D

Heyyy guyyys :D 

So today was like, the FIRST official day of school since yesterday was IS, so it doesn't really count :). So, in the morning I kinda overslept :/ by like 10 mins. IT'S ALOT OKAY. When you live like halfway across the country from your school, 10 mins is really a lot of time :(. So yeah, I rushed a shower and practically flew out of the house. I was like deliberating between taking the shuttle bus or 151e in the shower. Usually by the time I get to the shuttle bus the queue will be really long, and since it's the first day of school and everything I thought it would really be alot longer than usual, but if I took 151e I would have to CROSS THE OVERHEAD BRIDGE TO SCHOOL. THE HORROR. Ah wells, in the end I stuck to taking 151e, since I took it before and even though it's costly, it really doesn't make a difference since I keep forgetting to buy my bus concession and I'm paying the adult fare since I'm in poly. (pfffft) Haha, the bus was CRAZY CROWDED I TELL YOU. Thank God, I stay closer to the interchange so I managed to get a seat :D whoot whoot! HAHA, met up with Denise at munch and we headed to class together, we kinda threw away half a cup of our drinks each :( oopsie. It was SUPER AWKWARDDDD when we reached the class coz everyone was just doing their own thing and like, we didn't even know anyone there. It was really really awkward.

Even when our tutorial started, we still didn't know half our classmates' names. OMG, to be honest, I know their names coz I keep checking mel for the groups and stuff. But we really didn't talk at all. SOOO AWKWARD. HAHA, gracomm was okay I guess :), so far I'm fineee with it I? I LOVE THE LECTURER :D HE'S SO CUTE, LIKE A LITTLE ASIAN SANTA CLAUS! THE WAY HE TALKS AND EVERYTHING. But yeah, the software has a lot more stuff compared to photoshop :( so I'm very very concerned considering the fact I really suck at photoshop or anything related to digital stuff at all. -sigh- Hopefully I'll get the hang of it soon :(

After class, Denise and I went to Sakae sushi after getting my new textbooks. OH MY GOSH, THE TEXTBOOKS ARE SO HEAVY AND EXPENSIVE. THEY COST NEARLY $70. NOT COOL MAN. NOT COOL. Lunch at Sakae went a lot better than expected :) Hee. Was really great seeing Denise again! Gracine and Gabrielle joined us after awhile. Omg, there was this one moment whereby Denise was showing the "LOSER" hand sign and asked Gabby to read the hand, both Gabby and I said "L" at the same time. HAHAH. It was really really funny! After lunch we had a 5 hour lecture. SUPER EXCITING. I'll blog more when I get home or something :D need to head to church for wedding rehearsal! :)

With Love, 

Sammy Valentina ♥

P.S WATCH THE PEPSI COMMERCIAL WITH BEYONCE, PINK AND BRITNEY IN IT. HOT HOT STUFF.

Imma SWOLLEN PIG and my time at beach ops.

HELLO PEOPLE :D haha
It's nearing the last week of my holidays :'( WEHHHH. HAHA, okay I've got 3 things to address in this post 1. How I spent my holidays 2. Why I'm a swollen pig 3. WHAT I'M INTENDING TO DO THIS LAST WEEK IF MY FACE ALLOWS IT :D 

1. HAHA, I've been working at sentosa beach operations these past few weeks :) it's been an awesome experience. If y'all didn't know THIS IS MY FIRST JOB EVER. :D Whoooohooo. HAHA. The people there are crazy awesome and friendly :) So basically I met, Lutfi, Benyamin, Hyekel, Eugenius, Ben Huang, Benjamin, Leonard Tok, Serene, Charmaine, Gaz, Tas, Uncle Quek, Yamin, Yamini, Jermyn, Kymberly, Wei Ting, Uncle Gary, Yazhid, Randon, Andrew, Jon Chan, Lester, Cheng Yi, Chan, Chong, Gerome, Favian, Hao Sheng, Julian, Aidi, Zylyna, Sean Lee Jr., Darren, Wei Cheng, Gerald, Aaron, Kai, OMG SO SO MANY AWESOME PEOPLE :') I'm so lucky to have met them hee. This is the most awesome bunch of people you'll ever meet :'). They've really became family to me :) gonna miss them so so so much when school starts :( but I'll definitely wanna work whenever I can! :) Hee. And yeah basically over the holidays I've been going crazy, rushing here and there, getting my navel piercing and eating :D OH GOSHHH I HATE THE FACT I CAN'T EAT NOW :'( WEHHH. I WANT MY FOOD, I WANNA GO FOR BUFFET, I WANNA EATTTT. Oh gosh, this is like memoirs of a fat girl. HAHA. But seriously, I WANNA EAT :'(, sigh, with my next semi's crazy schedule I hope I do get time to eat at all :(. ANYWAYS, HAHA I tried to go shopping during the holidays with Puffy, but I guess I lost my shopping stamina and after knowing how hard it is to earn my own money WALAO, I REFUSE TO SPEND A CENT ON USELESS STUFF CAN. HAHA. So, during the holidays I actually got my wisdom teeth pulled out! Moving on to the next point now...

2. Why I'm a swollen pig, well being the idiot I was I thought it would been super convenient to pull out all 4 of my wisdom teeth since the holidays and everything, but HELL WAS I WRONG. OMG its super sad can, spending my last week of my holidays eating super soft food coz of the stitches :'( I'm sadd, to make things worse MY FACE IS LIKE TWICE IT'S USUAL SIZE thanks to my stupid decision to remove all 4 at once :'( I hate my face. WEHH, PUFFY'S COMING HOME FROM THAILAND TOMRROW, MY FACE NEEDS TO MAGICALLY SHRINK OR SOMETHING. I've been waking up from the aching of my chipmunk cheeks :(. Ouch, really DO NOT PULL OUT ALL 4 OF YOUR WISDOM TEETH AT ONCE, IT'S A BLOODY STUPID DECISION. OMG. WHY DID I DO THIS IS MYSELF. HAHA, But on the happier note :) my daddy is really proud of me for being so brave and decide all by myself to pull out all 4 of them :') AWWW. Warmed my heart :) hehe.. GUYS PLEASE PRAY FOR THE SWELLING TO GO DOWN :'( IT'S REAL BAD. HAHA

3. How I'm hoping to spend the rest of my holidays, I WANNA GO EAT AT LEAST ONE BUFFET :'( I REALLY DO. Then mope about how I've got school from 9 to 6 on tues and weds. SHIT. I've got to wake up at 5 plus on mondays since school starts at 8 am and on thurs and fri I'll be going to school for 3 and 2 hours respectively. NOT COOL MAN. WHAT KINDA TIMETABLE IS THIS. SO SO SO SO SO NOT COOL. Well, at least I've got Denise in my class :') WHEEEEE. HAHAH. SO HAPPY I GOT HER. But at the same time really upset we had to change classes :'( I'm gonna miss Gracine, Gabby and everyone else :'( WEHHHH. Okay, so the last week of holidays I'm gonna go eat a buffet and get my pig face to be my normal face. SIGH. I REALLY MISS MY NORMAL FACE. THIS IS SOOO UGLY. OMG. CAN DIE. Anyhoo, hope y'all have been great :) will have more time to update this blog once school reopens to whine about how my life sucks :'( HAHA. 

xoxo
Sammy Valentina ♥

UPDATE ON MY HOLIDAYSSSS :D/ TCP CAMPPP

SO, I had a list of things I wanted to do during this holiday :D and I am happy to say most of those things are DONEEE. :D muahahahah. So yup, I am working now :D I have a navel piercing, I've finished all the SAW movies and both The Ring and The ring 2, Did my nails :), Saved and shopped, Swam ONCE :) (ITS SO HARD TO CONTINUOUSLY EXERCISE) and yeahhh. My holidays have been pretty good so far I guess :) despite the fact I've been REALLY BUSY :( Haven't had the time to really hang out with anyone coz I wanna keep working and on the days I'm not working I kinda have to spend time with my mum. Ah wells :(.

So yeah, I've started working at Sentosaaa :D awesome place, awesome people :) I would love to get out in the sun more and maybe even swim in the sea. But everyone there is so fit and good-looking I feel like shit in my swim wear, I don't wanna be saved by a fellow co-worker if I drown and I am afraid of the sea ._. So yup, I stay in the office near the beach :) CLOSE ENOUGH. HAHA. Everyone there is really nice :), like they're so friendly and funny. Made quite a few close friends there :). Still don't think I'm ready to find a new best friend :/. Ah wells, QUE SERA SERA. HAHA. 

Just got home from a camp actually :) TCP CAMP! :) It was freaking awesome. To be honest, I had half the mind to NOT GO for camp on Sunday and I was all ready to pay them the $500 just so I can stay at home with my bed and my Puffy :( I was really depressed the night before camp. Thinking about how I'm gonna be bored to death, how I won't be able to have a comfortable shower or toilet for the next 3 days, how I won't be having my bed, how I'm gonna be missing out on work stuff etc. It was quite bad. Haha, I was just whining about how it was gonna be a waste of my time and how I really have NO idea what I can benefit from this camp that is different from all the other leadership camps I've been to. So yup, with a heavy heart I left for camp on the monday morning. HAHA, Puffy stayed over the night before and walked me to the bus stop. I was kinda emo on the bus with my big heavy bag (I PACKED SO MANY T-SHIRTS. HAHAH) and I WAS LATE T_T. NOT COOL MAN. The bus driver took such a long long longggg time to get to Ngee Ann. Definitely off to a bad start, but luckily I noticed that there was a girl on the bus who also had camping stuff with her. HAHA, LATE TOGETHER :D -does a weird little Sammy dance-. Turns out we were in the same group together. SO FATED. HAHA, her name is Joxanne :) She is SUPER adorable, even my group mentor was calling her Cute Stuff. Oh, and it was kinda an awkward entrance coz WeiCheng (guy from work) was also at the same camp, the moment I entered he shouted my name REALLY LOUDLY. It was a totally OH GOD WHY moment. But yeah, I don't think anyone really noticed, so YAY :D. I went over to my group and this really pretty and cute girl with HUGE eyes was asking for my name and introduced herself as my group mentor. :) Her name is Eunice, really awesome awesome person. I was like really awkward there coz I didn't really have anyone to talk to so I just smiled and minded my own business for awhile before HuiYing and Emelia started talking to me and Tricia shouted across the group for my name. HAHA. SO SO AWKWARD. Thank God for the introduction session. HAHA, managed to catch everyone's names then :D whoot whooot. And that was the time whereby I started showing off my navel piercing. I AM A PROUD OWNER OK. HAHA. I would write about how the camp was like and its contents but I really don't wanna spoil it for anyone. It really is a camp worth going for and definitely a GET FAT CAMP if you don't control yourself. HAHA. :)

The mentors at camp were really inspiring, fun and so ever ready to serve it really touched me. It's kinda a weird thing to hear on the first day of camp when someone says "We are really here to serve you and we are all so excited to have every single one of you here with us" I don't know about how the others felt but I was really blown away when Leslie (ANOTHER AWESOME AND PRETTY MENTOR) said that. I was really touched and really impressed due to the fact it kinda made me feel really loved for someone to say that and it really made me think about my own leadership experience in YC this year. I was just really wow-ed by her statement. They really were ready to serve and ever so eager to get to know every single one of us, they can just come up to us randomly and talk to us and it was a really great experience. Oh gosh I'm tearing now. HAHA. Issues. I really really miss camp. Sigh. 

But yeah, I was so touched by everyone who made this camp happen and secretly proud to know that so many of the mentors are Chrtistians/Catholics, it really did prompt me to reflect on my own spiritual life and on how I could be like them changing someone's life. The camp also gave me a whole reality check on judging people. I SO SO WANNA TALK ABOUT THEIR SESSIONS BUT I DONT WANNA RUIN IT FOR ANYONE. GAHHH. But I really do miss everyone from camp, my team mates: Joxanne, Tricia, Dhaniah, Hui Qin, Shi Ying, Hui Ying, Gina, Shafiqah, Emelia, my awesome mentor Eunice :(, the ROHEI staff, the mentors. Sigh. :( 

I was really surprised with myself when I wasn't really all that emotional and upset on the last day of camp, at first I was really shocked and horrified at the fact I might have just treated this like another camp and not really bothered too much about it. The thought of this made me wanna cry a little just thinking about how maybe I really am not open and positive to things that were taught to me. It took me awhile to realise this but the reason why I'm not upset that camp ended is because I know the goodbyes said at camp aren't meant to be forever. It makes me happy to know that the friends made at this camp are the ones I will definitely be seeing again due to the fact we went through this life changing experience together :) really mad mad love for TCP camp. 

xoxo, 

Sammy Valentina ♥