Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Coming back to the heart of worship

I've been feeling really numb lately. Like nothing else matters. It's not like anyone cares or anything but I've truly been feeling alone, spiritually. This whole holiday, I don't think I've accomplished anything worth being proud of, I just feel so utterly, annoyingly numb. I'm honestly disappointed in the person I've become. I used to say "I'm gonna fight on" and "I will never leave". But look where I am now. I just feel so helpless. It scares me. How much I really don't care anymore. How I just don't bother about how anyone is doing, whether people miss me, whether I'm becoming a bad example to people who look up to me. It scares me. Everyday I tell myself that I'm fine, it's just a phase, I'll stop this madness and return to Him soon. But lately, it seem that I have no intention of going back anymore. My prayers are so half-hearted it's as though I pray just for the sake of praying, because it's the right thing to do. 

I keep wondering what has caused me to be like this, is it really anyone's fault at all? I feel it's all some excuse for me to feel better that I'm such a horrid catholic. I just get mad so easily at Him. I just, don't know how to deal all the nonsense being thrown at me all the time. I get mad at Him when I feel abandoned by people who I trusted and love. I just don't understand why He would let people who I have tried so hard to be there for just take me for granted. I cannot stand the fact He's letting so many things in my life change. I don't do well with change. I just, don't. I don't like change. People always say change is good, but it's never easy. 

It's not that I don't believe in Him anymore, or I'm thinking about fully giving up my faith or anything, I'm just mad. And upset. AND JUST SO FRUSTRATED BECAUSE I DON'T FEEL AS CLOSE TO HIM AS I WAS BEFORE. But what makes this whole damn thing even worse is how I realized, it's my fault I drifted away. Whenever I go for mass, I make the promise to go back to Him. To be close to Him again. I always tell Him that I'm trying to be close to Him, when in truth I've given up. It makes me feel even worse to have realised that all I've been doing is the opposite of love. I can't even begin to describe the disappointment. 

All along, all I wanted to do was to love others. 

But it's so hard knowing that the people I love, have moved on without me. The community I thought I had turned out to not even qualify to be called a community, and it hurt. It really did. I know this may seem like bullshit to some of you, and may even be seen as an excuse for my just not being around. But it's just how I really feel. I just feel so... Alone. I can't even describe it in words. It's as though suddenly I don't belong anymore. It made it a lot worse when the one person, who I thought would understand my feelings and struggles, made it seem like I was a person who was just looking for an excuse to leave. I wasn't. But I took the easy way out. I decided to leave, I was tired of trying. Why bother?  

I don't even know why I'm posting all this shit all of a sudden. But last night, something truly amazing happened. I felt Him again. While I was just in the midst of saying one of my "prayers", I felt His presence again. And I realised how much I miss Him. How I miss telling Him everything and spreading love to others so they could see Him through me. I miss it. I started to feel bad. About how I've been caught up with my own jealousy, pettiness and anger, that I refused to see I was hurting people who love me and trusted me. 

If you're reading this and I've hurt you in any way by not being around or by just suddenly being gone. I really am sorry. I've been so caught up with my own hurt that I've forgotten to put others first. I really am sorry. I'm just so afraid of being judged and rejected should I ever return, that I thought it would be easier to not care. I'm so sorry. Last night, I made a promise to my Father, that I would try to come back, try to be the person I used to be. I really will try. I just hope it's not too late to come back to the heart of worship, I really am sorry. Please understand and help me.

With love,
xoxo Sammy Valentina 

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