It’s been awhile since I got on here. It’s become somewhat of a cemetery of my old thoughts. My last post was about me hinting at the fact I thought I found a guy who was great and took my chances and went for it. He ended up breaking me into pieces, destroying my trust and shredding my self esteem.
Tonight I’m lying in bed again, with the same broken heart and swollen eyes that I had when I was previously with my ex coz fuckmylife yknow.
I got engaged about 10 months ago and I really believe that I found my soulmate. The problem is I’m starting to realise his soulmate might be someone else.
We got into a fight over her 3 nights ago and I shifted out of our place back to my dad’s. The loss he feels regarding her is something I’ve tried to understand and be patient with but I failed to.
He says it’s nothing romantic between them. It’s purely friendship. But the fact that when we first started out he had already been talking about her ghosting him, telling me he missed her and how important she is to him, I think I’ve just been in denial about it as well.
It’s been 3 years of her ghosting him while he continues to send updates of his life to her constantly. He even told her about our engagement and she gave a lacklustre response to which he told me he was over it coz she doesn’t respect our relationship. Me being the fking idiot that I am was so happy coz it seemed like I was finally important to him. But I’m here at 2am typing this while crying so you probably can figure out that all he said meant nothing. He still reaches out to her and I’m tired of trying to understand it or be patient about it coz I just cannot support my fiance being so hopelessly hung up for another person’s acknowledgement of him.
Sure he might not love her the way he loves me, but I think I need to be fair to myself and allow myself to be part in wanting to be a priority to my partner.
I want to feel like I’m the most important and that I have nothing to be threatened about. I don’t want to be in a relationship where I have to constantly fear her coming back into his life coz he will want to hang out with her alone, I’ll be able to see how much they have in common, how much fun he’ll have with her and because I’m so insecure he will eventually have to choose between her and I (this scenario is based on all his words, not mine).
I want to be cherished without being lashed out at coz she ghosted him. I can’t compete with a ghost. He tried to equate it to losing a family member using my brother as a comparison and got pissed when I said it’s not the same thing, saying it’s me not understanding him and choosing not to even try to get where he is coming from. He then asked me when I’ll get over my mum which was a fking low which he still hasn’t apologised for because my mum was abusive emotionally and physically and basically tormented me when I was growing up.
It still hurts so bad, seeing how he looked me dead in the eyes and asked me so matter-of-factly ‘In that case, when will you get over your mum?’ But he is now focused on that fact he is hurt that I dont want to put in effort into understanding how he feels, the loss and sadness he feels over her.
I really tried to but I can’t. I can feel your patience waning with me. I still remember how angry you were, calling me fucking insecure, saying I screen every female friend you have. Even when you’re recording a an artiste I get jealous. You base all my insecurities on my past trauma with my mum, with my ex and you never stop to consider if this insecurity is also induced by your lack of boundaries, your previous actions and your dismissive and angry demeanour when I try to tell you I am feeling insecure or lesser because of how you treat other people.
As someone who has accepted that you need to be close to your exes and you are a free spirit you will do whatever you want, you won’t change for anyone, I actually think I have been patient and really dealing with my own security so you can live your life as you please because I convinced myself your feelings are more important. I think the problem is you think you’ve been super considerate to my feelings and you’ve done nothing but been accepting and supportive of me. well so have I. But at this point, I don’t even know what relationship is left for us to fix. It’sa bit beyond the point of no return for me. I just need to type this out into this cemetery to at least put it out into the universe how hurt I am. How sad I am. And just pray the universe helps me. Help me. I love you so much but I don’t think tis is healthy anymore. What I do know is, if this does end, you’ll be pining after her while I pine after you. I’m so fucking fucking stupid I wish I could die.
