Tuesday, July 24, 2012

So many things have changed.

So sick and tired of the many things changing in my life. The many people who used to be a big part of a life who are just not there anymore. Maybe the problem lies with me. How I am sick of people's bullshit. Or maybe I am just tired of constantly being taken for granted. It is really tiring. To have to deal with people who can carry on with their lives, pretend everything is okay and still push the blame to you for the fall of the friendship. Well done. I guess maybe I am too sensitive. In a sense that I actually get really hurt whenever I find out I'm lied to. I get really upset when I find out that despite being thee for people, when things get better they're gone. Like, it just makes me feel so used. I used to be able to take it. Just be content with being able to help them when they needed me. But I am just so sick and tired of doing so. Them constantly hurting me, being so self-involved just broke me. They broke the compassionate side of me I guess. I can't completely blame them. I wasn't strong enough, I wasn't caring enough and I wasn't good enough. Maybe I demanded a little too much for them to care about me a little. Like, really find out how I am doing. Not come to me and say 'Hey how are you?' and then carry on about themselves. If it is about real family problems I can understand. I will never get upset about someone complaining to me about the shit they deal with at home. Because I know how that feels like, to be hurt by your own family is just wrong. I never really got the full privilege of familial love, thank God for my dad. But if you're just gonna talk to me whine about how you are not getting the person you have a crush on, how you are upset about having to fulfill your responsibilities and just being obsessed about problems that you refuse to let go, please know I am not the person to turn to. I just cannot handle it or be nice to you because I feel that you just want attention, not real concern. I will not be the kind of superficial person who will pretend to care when I really don't. What's the point? I'm sorry I just like to keep it real. I know I may seem like a mega mean bitch right now. Maybe I am. I guess I am just tired of being people's second choice. Like being a substitute when the friends they want are never around. I'm not asking for people to like really worship me and like see me as a huge awesome person just because I was there for them.I just ask to be appreciated. It would be nice if people actually came to me and just be there. Not asking for anything, just a friend in return. That would be lovely. Maybe things seem to have changed because I changed. Maybe it is really my fault for not trying hard enough. I just don't feel good enough to be there for anyone. I'm sorry if I have hurt you in anyway by ignoring you. I just don't feel good enough to be there for anyone, I'm emotionally unstable, apparently I am not spiritually ready either and I have just been hurt too many times by people who I really cared for. I am scared to care actually, maybe even scared to love. Maybe things haven't changed, I changed. Not like anyone is gonna read this anyway. But if you feel the same way, here's to let you know you're not alone.

xoxo Sammy Valentina ♥

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